Final Fantasy X: Asylum DeathTrip Remix
by Internet Luv Masheen
Summary: More selfinsertion garbage! Don't read this!
1. Baaj Temple and the Al Bhed Salvagers

Final Fantasy: Asylum Death-trip Remix

Chapter 1: Ball-suck temple

By SoulfulZen Thelema Mephistos

Disclaimer: Don't own FFX, don't own the musicians mentioned, don't own any other shit I might throw into here.

Summary: Like so many before, FFX with SoulfulZen in it. Chapter by chapter of hell-orgy-tastic carnage, humor, sex and drugs will befall the unlucky schmuck who reads or writes this. Meaning you and me. If you're reading this, YOU'RE ALREADY TRAPPED! Oh yeah, the Al Bhed in this is really Al Bhed.

I was sitting on my ass one night, somewhat unconscious. I couldn't sleep, and I needed something to do while I let the Tylenol PMs I had taken kicked in. So, I was up starting a new file on Final Fantasy X. I had my headphones on and my CD player quietly roaring the wraithlike vocals of Cradle of Filth. (Dani is teh ROXXORz) I have always hated how long it takes to get through the fucking Zanarkand pre-level, so I was just going as fast as I could. I didn't notice the third option on the travelers' sphere after Sinspawn Ammes.

Oh, but how rude of me. I am SoulfulZen's true form, a rather pitiful teenage guy with sea-green eyes, wavy blonde hair just short of being tied back, a meager showing of brown and white hairs on my chin, a mustache just starting to come into fruition, a black RANCID t-shirt and a pair of red plaid lounge pants, as well as a leather armlet, spiked and studded. My name is of no concern to you. PISS OFF.

As I hurried through the dream sequence, I had the strangest feeling. It was like veins of static were crawling across me from I didn't know where. I thought it might have been the music, so I went up and grabbed my CD case. I began mumbling as I flipped through. "Hmm... Atreyu? Nope. KoRn? Nope. HIM? Nope. Manson? Nope. Carfax Abbey? Nah, I've listened it to death. Evanescence? Possibly. Short music? Ah hell, why not." I pulled out my copy of Short Music for Short People and popped it in.

It was not ten seconds before I came to the save point. When I opened the command map, I noticed a third option: ADD NEW PARTY MEMBER. My eyebrow rose, as I selected it. It asked me for the party member's name. I put in my name, SoulfulZen, and continued. The process I went through was complex, from weapon designs and names to the character's garments. When I checked through and was satisfied, I chose to finish. That was the last thing I saw.

Tidus walked warily across the stone bridge. It seemed strong enough, but he wasn't sure, and he didn't want to fall into the water. Suddenly, he noticed something flit through the dark pool below. Now he REALLY didn't want to fall in. He was at the apex, when something black fell from the sky and crashed through the bridge. He tried to run and reach land before there were no more stones to run on, but to no avail. Three strange fish quickly dogged him under. He drew his new sword and lashed out at one, killing it. Suddenly, a second one charged him. He braced himself for the pain, but it never came. Instead, a mysterious figure in black was floating there in a cloud of fish blood, wielding a scythe and katana.

However, before they could kill the third one, a giant creature came along and bit it in half. The creature faced them. Its head was like that of a snapping turtle with several glowing eyes. It had large, fist-like fins, tentacles and a water-bladder for propulsion, and an apparent ribcage. It was called Geosgaeno. The mysterious man swam over to it and flipped just above its head, leaving massive gashes on its head with his scythe. Tidus quickly gave it a large slice across the chest. This seemed to irritate it, so it began trying to suck Tidus up. He was swimming frantically, when he saw the man in black pointing to a doorway, then swimming through. He swam with all his might to the door, the beast just behind him. He was almost halfway into the beast's mouth when it crashed into the opening. He escaped, but both he and the man in black were trapped. They were out of the frying pan and into the freezer.

As he shook the water out of his long, black hair and trench coat, the man mumbled, "This is like one of those fucking bad fan fics that everyone writes and just throws themselves into a fucking Final Fantasy game. How the fuck did that character create thing pop up anyway? Augh. At least I still have my CDs."

"Uh, who are you?" Tidus asked.

"Who? Oh, you. Yeah," he said, "I'm SoulfulZen. I'm from a little place called hell. And you're Tidus, blitzball player from Zanarkand and son of Jecht. Welcome to Spira, bitch."

"How do you know me?"

"... Shut the fuck up. I know for reasons that would make you feel suicidal and insignificant. Any more questions?"

"Any idea how I can get home?"

"Yes, but you have to earn the answer. My price? You let me slit your throat and drink you dry."

"Uh, anything less deadly?"

"No. You'll find out later if you don't take me up on that offer, so just follow your fucking heart, you'll see," the goth kid griped. He did NOT have time for this. He knew that the only way for him to get out of the game world was to beat it. After all, that's how shit went in this world. If only the Paradox laws didn't apply, he could at least prevent all of the ill-timed emotional trauma Tidus would go through. Damn it, being a time-lord sucked sometimes!

Tidus was the first to see the old logs, and quickly realized how little it would take to relight the flames. SoulfulZen sent him up the staircase to find a dry bouquet, as he grabbed the flint from the desk he knew was there. They lit the fire and relaxed, as SoulfulZen tested his CD player. Still good. Plus, the batteries were new, and he had a few discs and spares in his case. Maybe he could make this work.

Suddenly, the fire started dying. Tidus started trying desperately to keep it lit. SoulfulZen said, "It's dying out. The only thing here we could burn besides ourselves is that big, mantis-looking thing behind you that's been watching us for the last half hour, and I think that killing it would be quite fortuitous." He whipped around and threw his sword up just in time to block the claws. SoulfulZen grinned. He ran over and slammed his scythe into the beast's back, then stabbed it in the head with his katana. It tried to counterattack him, but he back flipped out of the way. As he landed, it leaped at him again, but he quickly spun out of the way. As he landed, something clattered groundwards. He glanced, and realized that the Klikk had split his CD player clean in half. When he saw this, his eyes glowed a fiery red.

"You broke my fucking CD player! I'M GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU!" he screamed as he charged forwards, blood in his eyes. He swung his scythe horizontally, then followed up with a heavy katana uppercut, launching it into the air. He slammed it earthwards with the scythe, then followed up with spiraling slashes. By the time he was done, there was little left but goo. He was slightly hunched over, panting with rage. Tidus slowly began backing off. Suddenly, a large door in the room burst open. Four people in weird jumpsuits came over, knocked Tidus out, and dragged him off, while SoulfulZen followed. However, the strangers took one look at SoulfulZen's green eyes and nodded. He nodded in return, and followed them. Suddenly, he stopped and pulled out his CD, player and handed it to one of the men, then said something in a strange language. The man replied, and he grinned.

* * *

It was almost an hour before Tidus reawakened. He was on what seemed to be some kind of work ship. It was steel, and had a large crane on the side, which he was leaning against. He awoke with a start. On the ship were the men who had knocked him out! He jumped up and drew his sword, ready to defend himself. A girl in a pink jumpsuit stepped forwards and said, "Put your sword down! Nobody wants to hurt you."

Another one of them walked towards another part of the crane and handed up a strange device. Tidus heard someone say, "Hmm? Oh! Dryhgc." It was the man in black, SoulfulZen! He jumped down and said, "So, finally awake?"

"Man, he's a heavy sleeper," said the girl.

"You're telling me!"

"Hey, not to interrupt, but where in the Sam Hill am I?" the confused blitzer asked. SoulfulZen chuckled.

"Do you want to get thrown off the ship?" he asked.

"Uh, no."

"Then shut up. You're going to earn yourself a temporary place here," SoulfulZen said, "and when we hit land, we'll disembark."

"But what if we're not at Zanarkand," Tidus replied, "What then?" The girl in pink ran over.

"You're heading to Zanarkand! Are you a summoner?" she perked up immediately. Something about his answer was going to be important. SoulfulZen noticed a man in grey overalls with tattoos perk his ears up subtly, trying to hear without being conspicuous.

"Uh, what? I don't… think so. I'm just trying to get home."

"Home to Zanarkand? Uh, not to burst your bubble, but Zanarkand was destroyed 1000 years ago," she said. Tidus stared in shock, before SoulfulZen grabbed him and threw him into the water.

"What was that for!" the outraged and now very wet blitzer protested.

"Hey, have you earned your keep on the ship? No! The three of us are going to power up the artifact down there." Tidus rolled his eyes in frustration as SoulfulZen put his now-rubber-encased CD player into his pocket and popped his ear-buds in and his Atreyu CD on. The three dove in and swam quickly into the wreck, SoulfulZen wearing a small regulator (after all, nobody can hold their breath for ten minutes except video game characters).

Down in the ruins, the three saw what looked like an old computer. Tidus began banging on it before SoulfulZen pointed out a button that said in plainest terms "ON". However, it was in a device similar to a blender. Tidus whimpered, but his companions scowled at him. He shoved his hand in the device and hit the on button, but withdrew only a bleeding stump. As the door opened, SoulfulZen gestured to Riku that he'd take Tidus up for first aid.

On the surface, when they broke, Tidus began screaming in pain. SoulfulZen, not in the mood for his bullshit, pulled a Band-Aid out of his pocket and stuck it to Tidus's eye. He ripped it off, taking a good chunk of eyelashes with it. Tidus shouted, "What the fuck did you do that for!"

"Stop bitching about your damn eye and look at your stump!" he said. Surprisingly, it was gone. Er… back. Well, it doesn't matter. You know what I mean. He was intact (minus the missing eyelashes).

Up on the top of a ship was a dark shadow that shouted down, "Hey! That's my trick!"

"Sorry Nny-san! I'll make it up to you! We'll go beat the shit out of that little troll in the chair later!"

"Sounds good!" the killer said as he jumped into a plot hole. After a few seconds of reeling in confusion, Tidus and SoulfulZen went back under to meet up with Riku. The two met her halfway down, and they continued through the wreck. Tidus was repeatedly chewed to death by piranhas, but cured by SoulfulZen's Curing Band-aid spell (cost: 1 MP, heals ally to max health-1). By the time they reached the main reactor, SoulfulZen had spent almost 75 MP on Tidus alone. SoulfulZen quickly hit the "on" button, which was electrified, and healed himself. He bubbled something in Al Bhed to Riku, and they both swam quickly out through a hole in the ship, leaving Tidus alone.

On the deck, Riku asked SoulfulZen, "Cu frydc tufh drana dryd fa cruimt mayja pmuht-puo du vyla ymuha?"

"Famm, madc zicd cyo ramm hajan caa dahdylmac dra cysa fyo ykyeh." Riku raised one eyebrow and smirked, her mind racing. Well, either way, she was glad that whatever it was, it wasn't her business. They just sat there for about ten or fifteen minutes, when SoulfulZen hopped up and said, "It's taking too long. I'll go see if I need to save his ass or not." He dived in, carrying Tidus up over his shoulder only moments later. Tidus's pans were around his ankles, the overalls binding his arms utterly.

The blitzer whimpered, moaning something about his ass hurting. SoulfulZen told him that he'd "hook him up with some Preparation H in a few." A little while later, Tidus, SoulfulZen and Riku were out on deck, chatting about the strangers' pasts. Riku had just finished explaining that Zanarkand was a thousand-year-old ruin.

"So, where'd you come from?" SoulfulZen shrugged.

"Doesn't matter. Somewhere far away from Spira."

"What was it called? I might have heard of it."

"Look, I know how and when I'm getting back, so does it really matter?"

"I'm just curious." she said, looking hurt.

SoulfulZen sighed. "Sorry. I came from a boring, stagnant, dull place with corrupt, ineffective leaders and hordes of stupid people leading each other on pointless crusades to impossible goals. So often, I felt like I was the only fucking person with a fully working brain. Even more often, I just wanted to bust out and kill every single dumbass, brain-dead, worthless motherfucker I could get my hands on. I'm really glad to get away for a while." Riku tried to imagine Spira like that, but she couldn't. And yes readers, I am talking about where I actually come from. The three sat back and watched the stars pass above.

Suddenly, SoulfulZen clapped his hands together. In an odd voice, he half-sung "_All aboard. Hit the road._" and grabbed Tidus by the shoulder. "Well, Riku, I'm sorry we can't stay longer, but I can feel Sin coming close. Riku, E fyhd oui du cyem facd yc vycd yc oui lyh ihdem dra cih necac, drah cyem hundr ihdem cihcad dra haqd tyo, ihtancduut? Kuut. Well, see you later!" SoulfulZen and a protesting Tidus jumped overboard, and all went black.


	2. I hate Islands

-1Final Fantasy: Asylum Death-trip Remix

Chapter 2: Islands make me sick…

By SoulfulZen

Disclaimer: I STILL don't own shit. And yes, KFC still owns "Finger Lickin' Good"

Summary: Our heroes arrive on Besaid, and I make my first major alteration to the story. I REALLY don't like Wakka. If you fucks do, whatever. I don't like the back-water racist monkey. Oh yeah, I'm making this up as I go. And, once again, it's real Al Bhed.

Tidus shot to consciousness, finding himself floating near a bright, tropical beach in clear blue waters. Near him was the wholly ill-tempered SoulfulZen, who, in the circumstances, looked much like an angry housecat. His hair was curling quite a bit. He wore his expression like a sword, warding anyone else off. He seethed, "I hate humidity." Suddenly, a blitzball landed on Tidus's face. SoulfulZen quickly scrawled something on the side of it with a sharpie, before lobbing it to Tidus, who performed a perfect sphere shot, sending it right into the face of a red-haired islander. The two walked onto the land.

The redhead, Wakka (as he introduced himself), asked Tidus to try the shot again. SoulfulZen nabbed the ball, threw it about ten feet into the air, leaped up, and slammed it into the cliff wall, with "Yevon Sucks" sticking out. He bowed, and said, "If you think that's good, you should see me in goal."

"Hey, why'd you write that on my ball?" Wakka asked. Tidus pointed to his black-clad companion.

"Because I really don't like Yevon, and I REALLY don't like you, bucky beaver." SoulfulZen twitched, and Wakka's arm fell off, leaving a charred stub. Wait. Rewind that. In extra slow motion. SoulfulZen drew his sword, cleanly sliced Wakka's arm off above the elbow, flicked the blade to get the blood off, and returned it to its sheath. THEN Wakka's arm fell off. Then, before he could bleed, SoulfulZen cast a weak fire spell on the stump, cauterizing it. All in the blink of an eye.

FYI: The "Major Alteration" is Wakka losing his arm. I'll be slicing bits of the fucker off throughout the story :)

The three chatted for a bit about blitzball, and eventually, the one-armed islander got the two strangers to play for his team in the finals in exchange for room and board until after the finals. Strangely, the subject of Wakka's newly-missing limb never came up.

In a few moments, the guys got to the cliff. Wakka pushed Tidus into the water below, and SoulfulZen drop-kicked Wakka in the back, sending him over the edge, before swan-diving in. A few minutes later, Wakka began explaining Sin and the whole machina thing. "How do you not know that?" he asked, oblivious.

"We both got sucked up by Sin," SoulfulZen replied. "The toxin erased almost all of his memory of Spira. Of course, there's some things he'd be glad to forget about this gilded land."

"Oh, so the toxin made you super-violent?" Wakka asked.

"No. That's just how I am."

"Did you lose memories or something?"

"Nope. My brain is untouched."

"Uh, did it implant that corded machina in your ears?"

"No, that's my music player. My only source of entertainment."

"Any physical defects?"

"None I didn't have already."

"Oh, you got some mark or something."

"Look, would you cut it out? Sin's toxin didn't do anything to me. It didn't effect me AT ALL. So would you please shut the fuck up?"

"Ah, I see now. It gave you a bad attitude and a distrust of authority."

"No. Logic and disappointment in mankind did that. Anyone who has power over me does not have my trust. And the attitude? I'm just in a funk right now." SoulfulZen's hand twitched again. Wakka squeaked very loudly. Rewind that, in slow-motion. SoulfulZen rammed Wakka in the gonads with the butt of his scythe, kicked him, then whacked him with the sheath of his katana. He returned his weapons, and THEN Wakka's mind registered the intense pain dealt to his daddyberries.

"What was that for?" Wakka asked about three octaves above his normal voice.

"Huh? Oh, that was a piranha, not me." Wakka believed this ridiculous lie, and smashed a piranha (which just happened to be nearby) into the bed of the lake-lagoon-estuary-thing. The three were walking towards the village, Tidus and Wakka in a conversation about their blitzball careers, making up some dumb chant about winning. As soon as Wakka showed them his house, SoulfulZen crashed for a wink or two. He knew that until the whole shit with the Cloister went down, the game was dull. Besides, an hour or two cat-napping wouldn't hurt.

Two hours later, SoulfulZen awoke to find Tidus just rousing himself. Rolling his eyes, he and the blond ran towards the temple. While Tidus got the full explanation on why he shouldn't intrude, SoulfulZen simply admired the architecture. It really did look cooler in real life. As soon as Tidus ran through the door, SoulfulZen followed, saying "I'll make sure he doesn't break anything."

Tidus just stared in wonder and cluelessness at the instructions involving spheres and slots and whatnot. SoulfulZen walked down and asked Tidus to hang on a moment. A minute later, the man in black returned carrying a strange rod. "There. Now all you have to do is push the pedestal onto the platform. Can you do tha… shit. I dropped my CD case. You go wait for me by the pedestal, I'll grab it. They walked down into the cloister, where SoulfulZen walked over towards the chest where he got the rod. He pissed on the wall in a symbolic desecration of the place. After all, we know what Yevon really is. And besides, he'd had to piss since he woke up. Zipping his fly, he returned to the pedestal. Tidus had shoved it onto the platform when Wakka came along. The three rode the lift down, the redhead explaining the basic ideas of summoner and guardians.

In the chamber, Lulu and Kimahri were waiting for Yuna to come out. As soon as Lulu saw Wakka, she was furious. When she saw the blonde guy with him, she was even angrier. But when she saw the black-haired man, her first thought was, "Now HE'S cute."

SoulfulZen's first thoughts when he saw Lulu included, "Damn, is she wearing anything under those belts?" "Wow. Her figure's even better than in the game." and "Mmm. Big, supple breasts. Finger lickin' good."

Yuna stumbled out of the cloister, smiling. She fell, but Kimahri caught her. She stood up and took a few paces forwards, when Lulu said, "Well done. But where's your bra?" Yuna glanced down and realized that it was indeed gone.

"Where did it go? I had it on when I went into the chamber, and I didn't take it off. Hmm. Ah well, I have another one." The group went outside so that Yuna could show everyone she was a summoner. The aeon flew down from above, landing for everyone to see. It walked over to SoulfulZen and lowered its head. The raven-haired one scratched its neck, giving a small smile.

"Your name. It's Quetzel, isn't it?" The aeon gave a squawk of happiness. Yuna smiled and dismissed it. SoulfulZen gave a great yawn and went back to sleep in the vacant lodge. Sleep was going to be at a premium on this trip, and he didn't really care about the party. However, that evening, Wakka dragged him out of bed to meet the team.

Tidus asked the team's goal and got the predictable response. SoulfulZen then said, "I vote 'Take No Prisoners'."

"Hmm. Good, but our goal is victory." The blitzers chanted victory as SoulfulZen trucked off to his bed, then remembered Lulu and Wakka's chat about Chappu. He relaxed, asleep but aware of everything. As soon as he heard Lulu and Wakka talking outside, he stood up. He snuck outside, making not a ruffle or peep. He hid just inside of Wakka's empty house, feet out of sight. As soon as Wakka entered, he heard a noise to his left. He looked, but nothing was there. Wait. Rewind that and play it in slow motion.

As soon as Wakka passed into his house, SoulfulZen drew his scythe and with a calculated accuracy, sliced Wakka's ball-sack clean off. Another cauterizing fire spell and SoulfulZen dashed back to his bed for a night's sleep. Wakka had little intimation that he would never have children.

The next morning, SoulfulZen met up with Yuna and her guardians (plus Tidus) at the little statue above the village. "Hey, Yuna, catch!" he said as he tossed a staff to her.

"Thank you! What is it?"

"It's a staff Tidus found in the cloister. He asked me to keep it safe for you, and safe is where I have kept it. It should make your magic and summoning a little stronger."

"Thank you so much, Tidus!" Tidus blushed, grinned and gave SoulfulZen a quick wink.

"No problem, Yuna." A few minutes later, the group was walking down the hill. When a small Dingo leaped out of the woods, Tidus slashed it in half without a though. The sword he carried was different from the one he had brought from Zanarkand. It was the Brotherhood sword, the blue one. Wakka knocked a few Condors out of the sky, and Lulu zapped a few Water Flans.

Suddenly, near a bunch of ruins, SoulfulZen sensed something. He dashed ahead, only to be surrounded by three Garudas. He grinned. Now for a bit of violence. He drew his weapons, and slammed the butt of his scythe to the ground. "Powers of Darkness, defeat my foe!" he shouted. One Garuda erupted in a black flame. His eyes glowed purple and a black aura appeared around him. He skewered the second Garuda through the chest, then slashed its throat open to the end of its tail, skinning it. He leaped at the third one and landed behind it. It squawked, then fell into tiny cubes. All three vanished into pyreflies. He returned to normal, and everyone proceeded. Everyone except the frozen-in-fear Tidus. It took him a moment or two to snap out of his daze. Long enough for him to be almost landed on by Kimahri. They had a quick spar, then proceeded along.

Everyone except Kimahri and SoulfulZen hurried down the trail. The two waited for a moment before SoulfulZen asked, "Do you have the item I requested?" Kimahri nodded and handed over Yuna's missing bra.

"And where is Kimahri's payment?" SoulfulZen grinned and tossed him a sack the size of a soccer ball.

"75,000 gil, just as you wanted. Count it if you wish." Kimahri smiled a bit, and the two tucked their treasures into their pockets. They met up with the others at the docks a few minutes later. As they prepared to board, SoufulZen shouted back, "Vilg Oui Ymm!"

End of chapter 2! Next up: My Ferry Lady or Please Just Killika Me. And I bet you didn't know Kimahri was so good at stealing shit! Well I hope this doesn't go over like a turd in a punchbowl. Peace and knife-sex!


End file.
